Free Cards Winner ~ Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon ~ Sending You Off To Dr. Gordon's Blog

I have reached the portion of Dr. Gordon's book discussing how we talk to our children. I am slowly taking it in, reading and re-reading, and realizing (and re-realizing!) that I won't be able to share it all with you due to its fullness! So, I am incorporating information from Dr. Gordon's blog here, and then, YOU can head over to this blog and have a heyday filling your own brain up :)

NOTE: There is such a wealth of information within the book and on Dr. Gordon's blog, and I share only a bit here, so that if it appeals to you, you can go get some more info.

Excerpts From Dr. Gordon's blog:


Many people think that they can get rid of their feelings by suppressing them, forgetting them, or thinking about something else. Actually, people free themselves of trouble-some feelings when they are encouraged to express them openly. Active Listening fosters this kind of catharsis.


When To Use Active Listening
Active Listening requires certain conditions and attitudes to be present before it is an appropriate response to your child's troubled communication. You should Active Listen only when:

~You get verbal or non-verbal cues that your child may have a problem or an unmet need.
~You genuinely want to help and the time and place are convenient.
~You feel accepting of your child; your child's behavior does not cause you a problem.
~You feel separate enough from your child's problem that his solution to the problem, whatever it is, will be acceptable to you.
~You are able to attend closely to your child. None of your concerns are so pressing that they will interfere with your concentration on your child's communication.

When NOT To Use Active Listening
There are clearly times when Active Listening should not be used without risking the creation of more problems. These times include when:

~You get no cues and clues that the child is experiencing a problem. (Don't create them!)
~You don't want to help in this case. You don't care, you're rushed, you're busy.
~Your child's behavior is unacceptable to you. You are irritated or hurt by it.
~You are invested in having your child reach the "right" solution to her problem. (Your Active Listening will then tend to be contaminated by hints in the "right" direction.)
~Your own problems are too upsetting and immediate to allow you to be intently focused on your child's concerns.
~Your child simply needs information which you have and he doesn't.
~Your child states the problem or feelings so clearly and specifically that an attempt to feedback would feel redundant and patronizing. (Silence or acknowledgment is better in such cases.)


READ MORE: Dr. Thomas Gordon's blog


ACTIVE LISTENING LEAD-INS
It is helpful to use a variety of expressions when you Active Listen. Repetition of one phrase such as "Sounds like..." or "You feel..." rapidly becomes irritating to your child and comes across as a technique rather than a genuine, natural and empathic response.

Practice using different words as you Active Listening. One way to develop your Active Listening is to think about starting with only one part. This can be either listening to "Facts", thoughts, ideas, information, or listening only to "Feelings".
Some examples are:

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS (especially good in the No Problem Area)
The fact is...
You think...
The idea you have is...
What you are saying is...
Your view is...
You believe...

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FEELINGS
~You feel...
~It's really...
~So you feel...
~Looks like...
~Sounds like you are...
~Seems like your feeling...

Relax, make your Active Listening as natural as possible. Using analogies that are age and interest appropriate are also good ways to develop a more natural variety of Active Listening responses.

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS AND FEELINGS
~You feel...about...
~Its...when...
~You can't...and that's...
~You're really...because...
~The way you see it is..and that's...
~When...you're really...
~You are...that...

In it's complete form Active Listening includes both the "Facts" (content) and the Feelings.

~It's like being hit by a truck
~You feel your teacher really nailed you to the wall
~You got hung out to dry
~She really shot you down (military or video gaming)
~So it's like you really struck out (sports)

READ MORE: Dr. Thomas Gordon's blog

The Free Cards Winner for last week is Rose! Thank you all for playing :)

Love & Sincerely ~ Katie

Slowing Down to the Speed of Life, Carlson and Bailey's insightful book

I am honored to have received permission from Joseph Bailey to post this excerpt.

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Slowing Down to the Speed of Life
©Richard Carlson & Joseph Bailey http://joebaileyandassociates.com/index.html

The first of seven techniques for getting into the present moment while parenting.

1) Become More Oriented to the Present Moment

One of the primary keys to effective, joyful parenting is the same as the key to slowing down to the speed of life: Learn to live more of your life in this moment. So much of the time we are reviewing some aspect of our experience that is over and done with – this morning’s quarrels between siblings, last semester’s poor report card, last night’s disrespectful comments. Or we are rehearsing an unknown or feared future – what if my child doesn’t get into college? What will happen if the kids can’t get along on our vacation? What if Sara can’t meet any new friends? All of these concerns (and thousands of others like them), past and future, are just thoughts…

Consider this, imagine your life as a timeline:

You were born _________ right now _________ the moment you die.

Consider everything that has ever happened to you in your life as it exists right now – pleasant experiences, embarrassing moments, passion, sadness, grief, success, failure. At this moment in your life, looking back, what realm is everything in? Is it actual reality or merely thoughts in your mind? If you guessed that it’s in the realm of thought, you are right. If you fainted in a public speaking class, it’s no longer real, it’s only a memory. If you were a high school cheerleader thirty years ago, it’s now only a thought. Anything and everything that has ever happened in your life exists now only in memory.

Now consider the future. Everything that will ever happen to you in the future is, in this moment, only a thought. It hasn’t happened yet. You can’t touch it; you can only anticipate it, think about it. You may become rich and famous or broke and homeless, but whatever may happen, at this moment it’s all thought.


That leaves you with this moment and this moment alone! This present moment is the only “real” moment that exists in real time – right now. But remember, this moment too is constantly changing and it too is experienced through thought. The moment vanishes and is replaced by the next one and so forth.

This exercise helps to emphasize how precious this moment really is by reminding you that all other moments are only an illusion. This moment is the only real one there is. Appreciate each new moment instead of focusing on moments that are over or yet to be, and you will operate at the speed of life.

©Richard Carlson & Joseph Bailey http://joebaileyandassociates.com/index.html

Here are the details of this inspiring book:

Slowing Down to the Speed of Life
How to Create a more Peaceful Simpler Life From the Inside Out

©Richard Carlson and Joseph Bailey
Harper Collins Publishers

"Carlson and Bailey help us recognize rushed thought processes and access healthy, relaxed feelings, and, using the popular "psychology of mind" approach, they teach us to gain new-found abilities to stay focused on the task at hand and enhance our creativity and achievement. Illustrated with useful exercises, charts, and diagrams, as well as inspiring personal reflections, Slowing Down to the Speed of Life shows us there is plenty of time to build meaningful relationships, master seemingly hectic schedules, and maintain a healthy calm in the midst of the life's storm. "

Buy the Book at Amazon

I have just completed a painting, titled Here & Now, and I adore it. I also (yay!) have a ton of footage of the painting process. So, in the next couple days, I will be posting the painting to my website and the video to my Youtube Channel my Youtube Channel

Have a wonderful weekend!

Don't forget to comment on yesterday's blogpost to be in the running to win free cards.

Love & Sincerely, Katie

above image: Spending Time, 30x24" acrylic painting on cradled panel

Conscious Parenting, Free Cards Friday

Hello! I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.


From the time my first little boy was born, I have had ONE big burning parenting question. One question above all over questions. Throughout his young life I learned a bunch about parenting styles, health and such - but this ONE big burning question remained.

I asked other mothers, I asked my grandmother's sister (who was about 85 at the time) and her response still lingers in me.

I read books, I google searched, I asked the doctor.... but the question remained.

About a month ago, I was on Twitter , Tweeting like a good Twit should, and I saw a post about Conscious Parenting and a free teleclass.

Being an info buff and loving free teleclasses because they always send you the recording later (I never am able to have an hour of quiet time during the day, as you also have experienced!)

The woman who sent the Tweet was Jacqueline Green of Great Parenting Practices.

The teleclass speaker was Phil Johncock.

When signing up, I was allowed to put in one question for Phil. I quickly submitted my ONE big burning question:

"How much time each day should I spend one-on-one playing with my child?"

Jacqueline sent me the free recording and would you know that MY ONE big burning question was the first question (in the first five minutes of the show, no less) that Phil answered.

His response was (in my words):

If you are conscious and aware in each moment then the amount of time that you should spend with your children will be obvious.

At first I felt a bit jipped, but then over the course of the next couple days, I realized that he was right. When I am in each moment and paying attention to my boys, listening to their words, looking into their faces to find the story, then deep in my soul I already know the answer to my ONE big burning question.

If you pay attention to their behavior and how they are feeling, you will automatically know when to spend one-on-one time with them, and how much they need.

I was thinking, this week, about Conscious Parenting, and googled to find this Conscious Parenting 101 article by Lela Davidson. It's a good read, so I have pasted it below, it is COPYRIGHT LELA DAVIDSON, of course:

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Thanks to Oprah Winfrey, Eckhart Tolle's, A New Earth (note from Katie - this is a fantastic book), including it's message of the idea of conscious parenting is getting widespread media coverage. Whether or not you agree with all of Tolle's ideas, his advice on parenting is sound.

According to Tolle, conscious parenting consists largely of simply being with your child. This article explores that idea, as well as some other aspects of this new movement in parenting.

What is Conscious Parenting?

Before you dismiss these ideas as too new-agey and fluffy for you, consider the meaning of the word conscious according to Websters:

1. perceiving, apprehending, or noticing with a degree of controlled thought or observation
2. sharing another's knowledge or awareness of an inward state or outward fact
3. personally felt
4. capable of or marked by thought, will, design, or perception
5. self-conscious
6. having mental faculties undulled by sleep, faintness, or stupor : awake
7. done or acting with critical awareness
8. likely to notice, consider, or appraise
9. being concerned or interested
10. marked by strong feelings or notions

Synonyms: Aware, Awake

Doesn't seem so woo-woo now does it? Let's all be more conscious in our parenting, more aware of how we're perceiving and appraising our children, as well as noticing our behavior and what's behind it.

Shifting Paradigms

Proponents of conscious parenting believe we are at a crucial point in the history of our planet. Basically, the future of the human race depends on our children's ability to be peace-makers. Whether you believe this is nothing new, simply the human condition, or you believe major destruction is imminent if we don't take major action now - you'll have to agree that raising peaceful little people is not a bad thing. Maybe conscious parenting is the philosophy that speaks to you and helps you be the best parent you can be. In other words, can't hurt, might help.

Mama Comes First

Conscious parenting calls for parents to pay attention to their children and, more importantly to their own thoughts and behaviors. It's important to understand out own needs and personal hurts in order to avoid repeating painful patterns from our past. The idea is to limit the damage we pass on to our children so that they grow into healthy and balanced people.
Especially when frustration levels are high, we tend to fall into old, familiar patterns of behavior. Conscious parenting is all about being awake and aware to what's going on with your child now and deal with that situation or feeling.

Give Children What They Need

According to Michael Grayson Conner, child psychologist, parents need to pay particular attention to the words we use, as well as our expectations when dealing with our children. According to Conner, here is what children need:

•Children need examples and simple instructions. They need you to show them what you want and how to do it.

•Children need to practice. It is best to have simple goals with only a few steps. Tasks that are complex should be broken down into smaller takes. As a general rule, complex activities need to be practiced about 60 times before it becomes natural. •Children need supervision and guidance when they are learning new tasks. The idea is to keep students on task, correct mistakes, help when they are stuck, allow them to struggle, and to avoid discouraging failures.

•Children need lots of encouragement and praise for their initiative, creativity and effort. They need to learn that persistence in the face of failure and discouragement can lead to success.

•Children need opportunities to do things on their own while someone periodically monitors their behavior.

We practice conscious parenting when we are actively engaged in meeting these needs. When we are paying attention to what the child needs right now. Conner provides a great example of an . interaction between a child who's been asked to clean her room and a parent who just wants it done

article by Lela Davidson

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I hope this helps put you on a track to solving your own big burning questions.

I'd love to hear your comments. It's Free Cards Friday, so comment on this post throughout the weekend (on the Painting Motherhood Blog or on Facebook) and be in the running to WIN Free Cards! I will choose the winner on Monday.

Love & Sincerely,
Katie

Oh and by the way, my grandma's 85-year old sister's response to my ONE big burning question was "A snitch here, a snitch there."

The da Vinci Arts Middle School Art Fair is Coming Up!
2508 NE Everett, Portland Oregon
Saturday, December 5: 10-6pm

Sunday, December 6: 10-4pm

I'll be pleased to present a whole new selection of Glass Art Charms at this event - as well as new original paintings, 8x10 prints, 12x15 Limited Edition Giclees & Holiday Cards.

above images: Simplicity and Gratitude.

Parenting ~ Painting ~ Promoting & FREE Card Friday!

I’ve created a filter for things that come into my life: Parenting ~ Painting ~ Promoting. If something arises that requires my time and energy but doesn’t support my life and well-being in one of these three areas, then I let it go ~ with a smile.

This isn’t fool-proof and I don’t always succeed, but having it posted in the studio does help to remind me of the direction I want my energies to flow and helps me to pin-point my most popular energy- and time-suckers!

Today is FREE Card Friday! Comment on this post and you are automatically entered to win FREE cards! I will randomly choose and post my winner on Saturday, so be sure to check back!

(above image: Clarity, learn more about Clarity here)

Have a great day

Sincerely, Katie